continued from Thanksgiving...
In two recent peacemaking classes, we have considered a few different levels of honesty and confession in relationships. We illuminate these levels through some film clips from "The Big Kahuna", "Dead Man Walking", "Good Will Hunting", and the excellent documentary "Stevie". Also, we look at the scripture where Jesus is confronted by a crowd who have charged a woman with adultery. Essentially, as most of you know, we the accusers are willing to jump at the opportunity to honestly confront the shortcomings, flaws, and sins of someone else, but not so willing to confess our own disabilities - which looks like being honest with ourselves about our own ugly humanity, often.
Confession is integral to any marriage, and the idea or concept of relationship in general is contingent upon honesty/confession, action/interaction (as described by Andre above). It is at the core of the "sacramental element" in marriage and in family. And so it is, for Andre's example as my own, that if one of our children is being annoying, and I react and tell them so - that it is also my responsibility to assess what was actually annoying, and why it annoyed me. One of the key words in our household is "frustrated". It is a word that is most appropriate for when we are incapable of articulating our emotions or reactions. The kids know that when daddy is frustrated, that he needs some space and time, and they empathize with that - and they also appropriately utilize this word, especially when they are having a difficult time describing emotions and/or opposing perspectives. I then immediately know to diffuse and calm the tension between us, so that our "reactions" can begin to transition toward "responses" so as to move the process forward to a place of confession and resolution. This can happen many times in one day. I believe it is normal and necessary in the context of relationships.
Another way of understanding "react vs respond" is through neuroscience.
"When a man is frightened, he literally stops thinking with his forebrain (that is, the mind of a human being) and begins to think with the midbrain (that is, the portion of his brain that is essentially indistinguishable from that of an animal)..." - from On Killing
"The breathing process is directly connected to the brain and the central nervous system. It is also connected with the hypothalamus, the brain center which conrols emotional responses. The hypothalamus is responsible for transforming perception into cognitive experience....
...breathing is central to controlling your entire system." - the Science of Breathing
If we are stressed, anxious, tired, on edge, we are more likely not providing our brain with the oxygen it needs to appropriately respond to a situation. We are then vulnerable to reacting to a conflict as an animal might - control and maintenance - defense and violence - fight or flight. However, appropriate breathing, especially during conflict, is essential for an appropriate, rational, honest, confessional, empathetic response. Only now that science is involved, it seems that the West might embrace an ancient Eastern practice to enhance brain function organically. Who knows? But even so, we are not likely to respond appropriately at first to an annoyance or significant conflict - and therefore need to accept sharp reactions from one another, so long as there is ALWAYS an eventual response, an eventual process that leads to honesty and confession, engagement and reconciliation.
there is more, but this post already feels too long...
remind me (this is a self-reminder) to post about "repair".
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