Still more to come from Andre, but continuing for now to push deeper into the research and science of marriage relationships...
And before we look at the science of "repair" from John Gottman, we must first consider what Gottman identifies as "four characteristics of marriages that signal the marriage is beginning to deteriorate".
Who are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Criticism
Criticism (personality attack) often crawls in when complaints (objective statements of unmet needs) have 'fallen upon deaf ears.' Unlike criticism, complaints are statements of personal reality (I am disappointed we're not going to have dinner together tonight; I was looking forward to being with you.) Complaints do not target the shortcomings of the other party, whereas criticism does this expressly. (You're always spending time with your friends and completely forgetting about me and what I go through for you.)
When dealing with criticism, the receiver is left in the awkward position of having to take a personal hit, often times below the belt, or appear defensive. Since criticism is aimed at the character of a person, it is extremely damaging to the relationship.
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Contempt
Contempt, perhaps somewhat self explanatory, often runs in on the heels of criticism. While criticism isn't nearly the productive communication tool we wish it were, it is often the one resorted to -- especially if it was the primary communication method that was modeled for us. When criticism fails to work, (and it always does,) we often become even less enamored of our former dear one. As our ineffectiveness to bring about the outcome we desire becomes more and more apparent, our partner bears an ever increasing burden for us as contempt becomes more and more prominent. You can recognize contempt by the undercurrent of hostility and the appearance of name-calling.
The antidote for contempt is respect and connection. By staying connected, to ourselves and then to our partners, we are able to maintain our humility and love.
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Defensiveness
If you're on the end of criticism and contempt, chances are, you've gotten a bit defensive! And if, by chance, you're the one dishing out the criticism and contempt, you're probably on the defensive as well.
When on the defensive, several unfortunate behaviors result. The remedy: stay connected, listen well, realize that the intensity of you and your partner's attacks indicates the depth of shared pain.
Know that you will make it through this.
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Stonewalling
Stonewalling is one sure fire way to end the discussion. Unfortunately, while most men, due to their upbringing, see this as the safest retreat to keep everything intact; most women, also due to their upbringing, see this as a great and personal insult.
Many times when the four horsemen are rampaging through a relationship, the fight or flight reflex is alive and well. For men, their heart rate jumps when criticism appears on the scene. For women, it is when contempt appears. If the heart rate is up and the blood is pumping and the biological defense mechanism remains triggered without some form of connection or repair, the intensity becomes too great to continue without some form of physical expression. Stonewalling is often resorted to simply to 'walk away' from a situation that could get exponentially worse.
This particular material is served up during week nine or ten of peacemaking class. It has really become a centerpiece of the class, helping to debunk some running self-help myths about love languages and women being from planet mars and men from planet venus or the other way around. We illustrate the end-cap of the above elements with a very famous scene from Godfather Part II where Kay reveals that she has in fact aborted Michael's child. I found the scene online, but only in-part. Beforehand (or before the back-hand), you get a real sense of how the four horsemen have developed and woven themselves within Kay and Michael's relationship - and now we see Kay's last attempt to break through Michael's stonewall by revealing the abortion...
Movie Videos & Movie Scenes at MOVIECLIPS.com
Human beings will go to extreme measures to communicate, when they feel trapped. Everything from tantrums as toddlers, to cutting as teens, to prostitution, to suicide, to homicide, to war, etc.
How are we as spouses, parents, neighbors, and peacemakers providing intentional spaces for thoughts and feelings without criticism and judgement? How are we moving the process forward, rather than halting it? How are we engaging conflict, rather than "managing" it?
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Still to come...
The Science of Repair
Stanley Kubrick's wonderfully hopeful perspective on marriage through his final film, "Eyes Wide Shut".
My Marriage with Andre, Part 4!
