This paragraph represents, quite fairly, my entire summer - inwardly speaking.
"I became less free, less spontaneous, less playful, and others came to see me more and more as a somewhat "heavy" person...Time and again I discover within me that murmuring, whining, grumbling, lamenting, and griping that go on and on even against my will. The more I dwell on matters in question, the worse my state becomes. The more I analyze it, the more reason I see for complaint. And the more deeply I enter it, the more complicated it gets. There is an enormous, dark drawing power to this inner complaint.
Condemnation of others and self-condemnation, self-righteousness and self-rejection keep reinforcing each other in an ever more vicious way.
Every time I allow myself to be seduced by it, it spins me down in an endless spiral of self-rejection. As I let myself be drawn into the vast interior labyrinth of my complaints, I become more and more lost until, in the end, I feel myself to be the most misunderstood, rejected, neglected, and despised person in the world." - Nouwen
The quote comes from the "Elder Brother" section of his Prodigal Son book. The glare from the light shouts "Celebrate! Be Grateful!", but I couldn't genuinely make that happen. Not when I am obsessed with being celebrated by others.
The video below came to me in a dream one night in early August, shrouded in heavy darkness. I awoke disturbed, wondering if God was speaking to me through dreams and radioheads. Weird, but check out the lyrics.
...
In the deepest ocean
The bottom of the sea
Your eyes
They turn me
Why should I stay here?
Why should I stay?
I’d be crazy not to follow
Follow where you lead
Your eyes
They turn me
Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
Everybody leaves
If they get the chance
And this is my chance
I get eaten by the worms
and Weird fishes
Get picked over by the worms
and Weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
I’ll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape
I’ll hit the bottom
Hit the bottom and escape
Escape
...
After our time at the lake, our conversations and our prayers, I now believe it all adds up to another death and resurrection of self and spirit. I have been praying, contemplating, and even breathing the litany of the Holy Spirit, all while stepping outside of the cocoon of my ego. It is just so fucking necessary. When we lose inner sight and spiritual awareness in our current context, we fall off the edge and get eaten by the worms and weird fishes before we even know what is happening.
...
Communion
...
