Processing through the concept, journey, action, and event known as forgiveness this week. Reading through the whole of Nouwen's "Return of the Prodigal Son" because I have not done so yet. Additionally, watching Magnolia and Solaris in the Franklintown Underground Cinema.
...
Already empathizing greatly with the overwhelming need to feel safe.
Nouwen writes...
"As I looked into his eyes under the large Russian cap, I saw a man like myself: afraid, but with a great desire to be forgiven. From his beardless young face came a very gentle smile. I smiled too, and the two of us felt safe."
I recognize this feeling from each time I have to reprimand one of our children. Especially if I am already irritable or stressed, I can definitely react inappropriately. However, even if I respond well, a feeling of fear or shame can result in one or both of us from the confrontation. While this is natural, it is never my intent to leave such feelings lie, in particular because they can get in the way of the actual conflict being resolved or processed appropriately. Very often, after the emotional tension resides, we make eye contact, and we may smile at one another, which is itself an offering of forgiveness and reconciliation. A kind of "repair". In this mysterious safe place created through smiling, real lessons can be taught and learned, authentic listening can become a priority, a culture of humility can take form and shape.
Constantly, I yearn to be provided with a safe place and an embrace, as a fragile son - yet also I am constantly being challenged to provide and create a safe place as the strong, forgiving father - to reach out and embrace each of our younglings in their shame and vulnerability.
This process tends to be quite a bit more difficult between two adults. So many times, Kelsie or I will try to make eye contact or to provide a smile to break the tension between us, yet the other is simply not ready to give up their frustration or come out from behind an inarticulated feeling. Eventually, we find our way...through dialogue, empathy, and understanding.
It's true.
I want to both "go home" and "provide home".
I have no answers, only eyes in need of other eyes...with which to confirm this mysterious life we must sustain and share...and contemplate.
...
So although your eyes are only made of the six elements,
although they are impermanent,
although they are not you,
they are still beautiful,
and I want to contemplate them.
I want to enjoy looking at them as long as they are available.
Knowing your eyes are impermanent,
I enjoy them without trying to make them last forever,
without trying to hold onto or record them
or make them mine.
Loving your eyes, I remain free.
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