I really have no idea what I was saying on the trip back to your house, so I hope it was coherent, and beneficial.
most of my thoughts, afterward, have been this:
I don't want to defend (this girl that you just devastated), and I don't want to defend you. I would, however, very much like to defend your relationship. I continue to see it through the lens of PT Anderson, of Leo Tolstoy, of Vincent Van Gogh, and of Fyodor Dostoevsky (among others).
Apart from that, I mostly don't like to see my friends, who are "single", in their mid-late twenties, and some early thirties - continue to work hard to end relationships, because they become some sort of burden, rather than working hard to love and be loved - thus establishing a foundation, built on rock, that will sustain them - or that has sustained Kelsie and I, to be able to care for others, to be able to reconnect to the earth, to be able to find old and new avenues for creativity, to ultimately be able to reject society, yet subversively be in it, in a way that Alexander Supertramp had to die to discover.
I do feel strongly that the justifications you made to end the relationship, and the ones I hear from other friends - could have at any time, in my relationship with Kelsie, been made to end our relationship or our marriage. but by making a commitment to love one another, and share life together - that bond has only grown stronger, making it literally impossible to "be", without the other.
so, all that to say, friend, that it may indeed not be appropriate to renew a relationship with (the girl you just devastated) - because you are unable to give it the priority it needs - but it is my subversive thought, that you would be able to do everything you do, and be everything you are - on a greater level - because of fully, intentionally, sharing that load with this particular girl (or another), and allowing that vulnerability to expose you that final truth that Chris McCandless wrote - "happiness only real when shared". the same goes for sorrow, creativity, spirituality, etc.
well, I guess that's all for now.
furthermore...if we would be patient, believing that winter is not the end, but that the spring light will melt the ice on the window - we would then see that we are not a communion-less people - and the "old doubt" of death is perverse, and the "new promise" of resurrection is our hope - and that we must uphold every symbol of that hope, at the top of every mountain, for every scared motherfucker to see it!
- Kyle Meyers said that shit.
and now those friends are getting married this weekend, during the super bowl.
that's goddamn right.
fuck you death.
fuck you divorce.
go fuck yourself super bowl.
we are going to lie down in the light.
divorce = suicide
lovin's for fools
amen
