Now, a very great man once said
That some people rob you with a fountain pen.
It didn't take too long to find out
Just what he was talkin' about.
A lot of people don't have much food on their table,
But they got a lot of forks Ôn' knives...
And they gotta cut somethin'.
Only a little over a month ago, did LLM give me the green light to apply for a new job - because of our own declining financial state at LLM - and because we personally struggle greatly to make ends meet - and we have zero health benefits. As much as I love LLM - I recognize that I am in the very low percentage of people who choose to take a job like mine, without a spouse who has a really excellent job, with all the needed benefits - or takes this job, because he/she doesn't have any dependents.
this really weighed heavy on me today, as I went into the christian health center (our sister ministry), because of an infection I inhabited in my ear. my job requires that I visit families in their homes. some of these homes are infested with bugs and illness. one family in particular has had some strep virus or another all winter, and recently had to get rid of all their furniture (beds, couches, dressers, etc) because of bed bugs - bed bugs that have left gaping wounds in their arms and legs.
many of our new employees, who do no live in the neighborhood, attest to not having been sick with a cold or flu for many years - except recently, within six months of working at LLM. we have seen parents bring in children with pink eye (all kinds of shit coming out of their eyes), with lice, with many assorted illnesses. that is just life down here. and as much as our home is clean, and as much as we eat healthy foods to build our immune system - some infection can still find it's way into my ear, and often into our home, right from our neighborhood.
i feel weird about it, because not only did I recently shave my beard, but now I have an engorged ear (swollen shut yesterday morning), with swelling all around, down my neck. I physically look sick.
I then step into the health center to have awkward conversations about how I work for LLM, with a masters education, with no health insurance - they need to know how many food stamps we receive each month - for a sliding scale fee. it makes me feel inferior. my middle class "stuff" reminds me that I failed. this on top of having applied for a job (Marriage & Family Therapy) with the Columbus Vet Center, in which I could not have been more qualified with education and experience. This would have given me a raise of 40,000 to 50,000 dollars - with all the benefits and security that you could ever wish for. Human Resources sent me a letter a few weeks later, stating that I was in-eligible, with no explanation.
as much as I love LLM, I feel trapped. I feel vulnerable - and my sickness makes me feel ugly and depressed. I feel outside.
Poverty is not inspiring, not when you feel that others have what you feel you deserve. "they gotta cut somethin'." this kind of negative cognition is the foundation for most personality disorders, as well as most revolutions, not to mention the underworld of crime, organized or otherwise. but I still feel that way.
anyways, I picked up an antibiotic from nurse ratchet at CVS, just after doctor so and so stabbed the hell outta my swollen ear with one of those ear lights - which feels like she left a knife inside, just to tell me my ear was definitely infected.
i want it to mean something though, since I know it is not the healthy that need a doctor (even though they somehow are the ones with all the health benefits). but when you give your life to the other part of that verse, you don't necessarily consider what it may cost, for yourself, and also for your family.
